How to write an epic fantasy

1. Take one hero. Give him/her a few character flaws that they'll overcome by sheer strength of will. He has to be goofy but goodlooking with many hidden talents. She has to be hot and vulnerable (cliches sell).
2. Enter one sidekick - loyal, valiant, resourceful, and always saving the hero's ass.
3. Put both characters (merry band of comrades optional) on a long, arduous trek across burning deserts, icy mountains, dense forests, etc. Mention of deep and forbidding tunnels, abandoned castles, and lurking creatures are advisable.
4. Place one object in hero's care - ring, seed of life, the toilet mat, with the instruction to take it to [insert destination of your choice]. No real imagination is required here because if the words 'sacred', 'precious', or 'crucial to the existence of good' feature in relation to said object, it will command complete respect, and no questions will be asked of indicated destination.
5. While hero and friend(s) are on a perilous journey at great risk of life and limb, throw in a dark lord and his minions to harass the travelers and attack the world in general.
6. Two or three neutral characters driven by their own selfish motives will also add variety when hero and his comrades have been travelling for many months and are all getting damn sick of each other.
7. Add a noble king and devoted entourage. Slide in one or two spies to mix it up a bit. King's entourage should contain one stubborn headed fool who sees the error of his ways just before he dies (drama-drama a bit hor?).
8. Make the dark lord and king do battle when they'd much rather be swapping fishing stories. Throw in lots of hope, cunning, and betrayal.
9. Write in a wizard who could save the whole damn world on a lunch break, but sees this exercise as character building, and 'necessary for the good of mankind'. Have him die and resurrect for added spice.
10. Finally set the whole story in a land that is a geographical impossibility, then wrap it up with a 'happily ever after for now'. You want to keep the door open for sequels.