Women are from Venus, Men are from Uranus

All around the world you'll find men ruing the day they have to answer "Do I look fat?" or "Is she prettier than me?" It's like hell on earth for them as they rack their brains to come up with a non-offensive answer - the ones that care at least, or the ones that firmly believe the old adage 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.

Sometimes they turn it around with "Why do you always ask that?". Needless to say, we deem this evasive behaviour incredibly insulting and reflects poorly on the man's trustworthiness, which usually results in more questions.

Males were born with a defective chromosone, which I shall blame, with no biological training whatsoever, for their obvious lack of communication skills. Do you know why sport is such a hit with guys? There's little to no talking - all communication is carried via hand gestures or at the top of their voices and decibel range. Which is why we have to mask our deeply probing questions in a series of less intellectual inquiries.

"Does this make me look fat?" really translates to "I'm trying to gage depths to which you truly love me, and whether the love you bear is unconditional or simply a means to get laid."

And here's the best part, the correct answer is: "No dear, you look incredible, and I think you look amazing no matter what you wear." Under no circumstances tack on "have you lost weight?" or "hold on, I can't see the mirror". The former pushes you past charming and straight on into fake, while the latter would just be devestating.

"Do you think she's pretty?" actually means "I want to find out the level of regard with which you hold me, to know whether you're happy with me and have therefore gained emotional and physical fulfilment or whether you're an asshole and I'm a pitstop on your way to greener pastures."

The right answer? We're not looking for a flat out "Oh no, you're much prettier" because we didn't ask that in the first place. Common mistake men make is to always assume we're fishing for compliments. That's completely wrong, we only do that 96% of the time.

Be believeable, if the person in question is no uglier than say, Cindy Crawford, go "Hmm, yes, she's quite attractive, but oh, what's that? Looks like she forgot to shave." Be quick to point out flaws while putting your arm snuggly around her waist.

See, the only reason we ask such simple questions is because men don't tell us anything. We don't know if you're happy with us, if 'I love you's just routine, or if you close your eyes and think about someone else while we make love.

If you actually told us things rather than go about your daily lives in a kind of bemused enigmatic silence, then we wouldn't need to pick fights so often.